Happy Halloween

All you racists, misogynistic, bigoted cultural appropriators!

This year at Campus Reform, we’ve reported extensively how college students around the country have increasingly taken offense to Halloween celebrations, often accusing various costumes of being offensive and declaring students who wear them guilty of “cultural appropriation.”

At campuses around America, students have been discouraged from wearing sombreros, ninja outfits, Native American headdresses, or any other costume which assumes a culture one does not represent.

“[T]his is affecting people’s lives, you’re taking narratives away…So I definitely support [the petition].”

One prominent example of this trend came last year at Yale University, where students famously protested a professor who simply advised students to wear whatever Halloween costume they deemed appropriate.

Students at Yale and elsewhere have made it clear: they want their schools to take preemptive measures to prevent the wearing of Halloween costumes which could offend.

But would they be willing to support a more extreme measure in the hopes of limiting hurt feelings this Halloween season?

Campus Reform visited Yale with a petition to outlaw Halloween on the New Haven, Connecticut campus.

Posing as a member of the fictitious “Yale Students for An Inclusive Fall Season,” I attempted to garner support for my cause.

I had no idea how easy it would be.

After explaining that my goal was to create a more inclusive campus and limit the number of students made uncomfortable by costumes each year, I received signature after signature.

What was their rationale for signing the outrageous petition? Watch the full video to find out.

Image result for cultural appropriation halloween


Nothing will ever be acceptable to everyone. That’s just a fact of life. So giving in to that fear is wrong.

Christ Church in Alexandria, Virginia will pry off the memorial because it’s “not acceptable” to all parishoners.

Christ Church Alexandria
Wikimedia Commons

A historic church, once attended by George Washington, will pull down a plaque honoring the nation’s first president because it makes some of their worshippers uncomfortable.

Christ Church in Alexandria, Virginia, where Washington was once a parishioner, has a small brass plate on one of the pews marking where Washington and his wife, Martha, sat every Sunday. But because Washington was once a slave owner, Christ Church’s leadership says the plates will have to be removed.

“The plaques in our sanctuary make some in our presence feel unsafe or unwelcome,” leaders said, a reference to the fact that Washington was a slaveholder, the church said in a statement.


“Some visitors and guests who worship with us choose not to return because they receive an unintended message from the prominent presence of the plaques. Many in our congregation feel a strong need for the church to stand clearly on the side of ‘all are welcome- no exceptions,” the statement continued.

Washington not only attended Christ Church, he was one of its major financiers following the Revolutionary War. The Episcopalian parish received much of its funding from the British Government pre-war, but once Washington prevailed, its future was in doubt. Washington stepped in to support the church, and purchased the pew where his plaque now resides — at least for a couple more months.

Christ Church says it’s adamant about removing the plate, however, along with another honoring Confederate General Robert E. Lee who also worshipped there with his family. The church’s pastor, Rev. Noelle York-Simmons, says the vote to scrub Christ Church clean of “problematic items” was unanimous.

The plaques are expected to come out next summer.

6 Ways to Hell

There was a time when we used to be a nation that pushed freedom, responsibility, decency, patriotism and hard work. Some of us still believe in those things, but because of liberalism, much more destructive values have seeped into our culture like toxic waste. There are many ways that liberals have degraded our culture, but these are the worst of the worst.

1) The Politicization Of Everything: Want to watch football? There are players protesting the flag. Turn on a Hollywood awards ceremony? There are actors making political statements. Want to go to the bathroom in peace? Well, first, we need to know if you’re okay with sharing it with someone who feels like the opposite gender today. You’re just a regular person telling an off-color joke you heard? Better be careful; that could turn into a front page scandal if the wrong group gets offended. Want to buy a Halloween costume for your kid? Well, you better make sure it’s someone of the same race or people will be upset. Want to go on a date? If you date someone of the same race, you may be racist. Ready to marry your honey? Then you better support gay marriage or you’re a homophobe. I can remember a time in America where you could just live your life without paying attention to politics at all if you wanted and that was a good thing. Remember that old saying? Never discuss race, religion or politics in polite company? Well, because of liberals, you don’t have a choice anymore.

2) Political Correctness: I hate the idea that some normal person can tell a joke on Twitter and have his life destroyed for it by the liberal fun police. I think it’s disgusting to see that liberals have embraced fascism to such an extent that they can’t tolerate a contrary idea on their college campus. It’s like the whole country is in a relationship with someone who has borderline personality disorder. Everyone’s walking on eggshells because some buttercup might get horribly upset at, well….just about anything. Whatever happened to the idea that if some ordinary thing triggers you, YOU have the problem and it’s something YOU need to work on? Oh, yeah, liberals happened to it.

3) Victimhood: Only in America do people get so excited about the idea of being a victim that they will even fake hate crimes against themselves to get that status. Only in America are there women publicly crying that they were sexually assaulted and traumatized because a 93 year old, wheelchair-bound President pinched their butt. Only in America do we have to come up with things like white privilege and institutional racism because there’s not enough real racism happening to allow liberal minorities to feel like victims. There was a time in America when people wanted to feel strong, capable and able to handle their own problems instead of being victims. There still are people like that today and they’re called conservatives.

4) Liberal Feminism: The original “Women should have the same rights as men” feminism has been so widely accepted in society that it made feminism irrelevant. So, liberal feminists reinvented feminism as a combination of man-hating and victimization. Look out, it’s the patriarchy and rape culture! Don’t you dare hold the door for me! Stop mansplaining! Stop saying, “Not all men!” You just sit there in silence thinking about how you’ve oppressed women! Liberal feminism falsely makes women think they could have it all if those awful men weren’t getting in their way and it makes many guys unsure of what reaction they’ll get from women when they behave like men. Forget about the old “Women should be women and men should be men” philosophy; liberal feminism is about women being men and the men being shamed.

5) Tribalism:  Liberals work incessantly to split Americans in ever smaller groups that are at each other’s throats. If you want to get a sense of how bad it has gotten, we’re having ferocious public debates about transsexuals who, depending on how you define it, make up less than .25% to .75% of the population. Increasingly, the attitude is moving from the annoying, “You just can’t understand because of your race/color/gender” to “You HATE ME and I HATE YOU” because of differences that are often unchangeable. This is incredibly dangerous to our future as a country because you can’t hold any group of people including a nation together long term when people no longer believe they share the same goals and values as their neighbors.   Our nation’s motto is E pluribus unum (Out of many, one), but what happens when liberals insist that the many never become one?

6) “Non-Judgmentalism”: We’ve heard so many liberals talk about how important it is to be non-judgmental that it has seeped into the culture at large. When there’s a choice between what’s best for society and best for a particular individual who has done something wrong, we always default to protecting that individual. How’s that working out for us? Since the stigma around getting a divorce, having a child out of wedlock or having an abortion has faded, are we better or worse off? Are the kids who are aborted or who get raised by a single parent instead of a family better off? Are the guys who are extremely hesitant to get married because they fear divorce better off? Are we better off because people no longer wonder whether doing something horrible in public will hurt their good name or ruin their family’s reputation? The very fact that we are so unwilling to draw a line in the sand and say “That’s right” or “That’s wrong” has mired our culture in degeneracy. Maybe if there were more people who feel bad when they do things that “wouldn’t make their mothers proud,” there would be a lot more decent human beings.

Lynch Herself?

Congressional committees are good for hauling shady people in front of cameras and generating tough-sounding headlines and sound bites a politician can point to as evidence of their hard, courageous work when they’re up for reelection. But how effective are they at actually bringing those shady people to justice.

The Washington Times reports that on October 20, Barack Obama’s former Attorney General Loretta Lynch privately met with Congressional Republicans about her “tarmac meeting” with former President Bill Clinton, husband of failed Democrat presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, in June 2016. What they discussed is unknown, but many suspect it had something to do with the Obama Justice Department giving Hillary a pass on various scandals, particularly her illegal use of a private server to share classified material.

Surprise, surprise, Lynch didn’t feel much like talking:

Mrs. Lynch has been accused of attempting to influence the FBI’s investigation into Mrs. Clinton’s private email use while secretary of state — and both she and Mr. Clinton say the meeting at the Phoenix airport was a chance social encounter.

In June, during highly anticipated testimony, fired FBI Director James Comey told the Senate Intelligence Committee that the Lynch-Clinton tarmac meeting caused him to hold a press conference on Mrs. Clinton’s email case.

“At one point, the attorney general [Lynch] had directed me not to call it an investigation but instead to call it a matter, which confused me and concerned me,” Mr. Comey told the committee. “That was one of the bricks in the load that led me to conclude I have to step away from the department if we’re to close this case credibly.”

On Friday, Fox quoted sources saying the former attorney general refused to answer three queries: whether she ever instructed Mr. Comey to characterize the DOJ’s Clinton email investigation a “matter,” whether she liaised with the White House to hold the tarmac meeting with Mr. Clinton and finally — if she could address any issues related to Mr. Comey’s June testimony.

Mrs. Lynch reportedly declined to answer any of the three queries.

Earlier this month, TFPP reported that FBI has admitted to possessing 30 pages or so of documents pertaining to the tarmac meeting, after denying that it had any such records the year before. The FBI was forced to change its tune after the conservative American Center for Law and Justice got its hands on and then released email exchanges between the FBI and DOJ confirming the records’ existence.

So Republicans ask Lynch to come clean, and Lynch says she doesn’t want to come clean. What do Republicans do now? Frown, issue a finger-waving press release, and say “oh well, we tried”? Or do they decide that suspects deserve to be treated like suspects, and bring greater pressure to bear?

This is why the whole idea of legislators taking the lead on all of this is a farce. We’re not talking about bad policies; we’re talking about crimes. Corruption. Abuse of power. The Justice Department should be taking the lead. Lynch needs to be asked these questions in court, under oath. And everyone needs to understand that at the end of the day, the truth will be found one way or another, and somebody will most likely be going to jail.

Flake Out

Sen. Jeff Flake (R-AZ), who barely won his 2012 election, has decided to throw in the towel. Why? Well, for a couple reasons, one is that he felt, no—he admitted that he probably couldn’t survive a primary challenge. A preliminary poll had former Arizona State Sen. Kelli Ward beating him by 14 points. The second is that he’s not happy with President Trump or the state of the GOP (via NBC News):

The day after Sen. Jeff Flake announced he would not run for re-election, citing his dismay over President Donald Trump and the state of the GOP, the Arizona Republican acknowledged Wednesday that his decision came after he realized he wouldn’t be able to win a GOP primary.

“The bottom line is if I were to run a campaign that I could be proud of, and where I didn’t have to cozy up to the president and his positions or his behavior, I could not win in a Republican primary,” Flake told MSNBC’s “Morning Joe.” “That’s the bottom line.”


…Flake signaled that his views as a dedicated conservative simply didn’t align any longer with those of many of his constituents — especially when it came to the issue of standing with Trump.

“It’s not that you just have to be with the president on policy — you can’t question his behavior and still be a Republican in good standing, apparently, in a Republican primary,” Flake said.


Flake, in his announcement Tuesday to not run, said on the Senate floor, “We must stop pretending that the conduct of some in our executive branch are normal.”

“They are not normal,” Flake said, adding that he would not be “complicit and silent.”

As an Arizonan I have a lot more at stake here, especially when our other Senator is The RINO King, McCain.

I listened to  most of Flake’s speech and found a lot of it, that attacked the GOP for inaction, to be quite accurate, but, I found his ‘loyalty test’ gripe about Trump to be hallow. Ultimately, i think he quit so he could go out on a high horse rather than get sent to the Glue Factory next year because he refused to be more The Tea Party Candidate he was elected for.

He just didn’t want to fight anymore, IMHO.

So we may get stuck with the crazy woman from Mesa or the alternative to McCain not enough Republicans wanted last year. And there was much rejoicing…. 😦

He also took a ‘think of the children’ line in his Senate speech, which Fox News Greg Gutfeld torched as leftist strategy. It is tragic, senator—you were a Tea Partier. Now, you’re a quitter. Here’s his op-ed in The Washington Post, where he cited Army counsel Joseph Welch, who famously pushed back on Sen. Joseph McCarthy’s Army hearings with “have you no decency, sir.” It showed that McCarthy had overreached when he tried to take on the military and it was the beginning of the end of his political career, as Americans began to sour on McCarthyism:

The moral power of Welch’s words ended McCarthy’s rampage on American values, and effectively his career as well.

After Welch said his piece, the hearing room erupted in applause, those in attendance seemingly shocked by such bracing moral clarity in the face of a moral vandal. Someone had finally spoken up and said: Enough.


We face just such a time now. We have again forgotten who we are supposed to be.

There is a sickness in our system — and it is contagious.

How many more disgraceful public feuds with Gold Star families can we witness in silence before we ourselves are disgraced?

How many more times will we see moral ambiguity in the face of shocking bigotry and shrug it off?

How many more childish insults do we need to see hurled at a hostile foreign power before we acknowledge the senseless danger of it?

How much more damage to our democracy and to the institutions of American liberty do we need to witness in silence before we count ourselves as complicit in that damage?

Nine months of this administration is enough for us to stop pretending that this is somehow normal, and that we are on the verge of some sort of pivot to governing, to stability. Nine months is more than enough for us to say, loudly and clearly: Enough.

It still doesn’t cover-up the fact that it looks like you’re a quitter, Senator. The Senate is too gridlocked, so I quit. The partisan atmosphere is so toxic, so I quit. Trump is a bad, bad man, so I quit. I can’t win an election, so I quit. First, not faring well in a primary is not a forgone conclusion. There is a lot of time between now and Election Day 2018. Anything could’ve happened. Also, Flake voted with the Trump agenda the vast majority of the time. If Flake started out as a Tea Party conservative, his exit will peg him as a moderate who couldn’t hack it, but he’s not the only one.

Maine Sen. Olympia Snowe:

For change to occur, our leaders must understand that there is not only strength in compromise, courage in conciliation and honor in consensus-building — but also a political reward for following these tenets. That reward will be real only if the people demonstrate their desire for politicians to come together after the planks in their respective party platforms do not prevail.

I certainly don’t have all the answers, and reversing the corrosive trend of winner-take-all politics will take time. But as I enter a new chapter in my life, I see a critical need to engender public support for the political center, for our democracy to flourish and to find solutions that unite rather than divide us.

I do not believe that, in the near term, the Senate can correct itself from within. It is by nature a political entity and, therefore, there must be a benefit to working across the aisle.

Indiana Sen. Evan Bayh:

There are many causes for the dysfunction: strident partisanship, unyielding ideology, a corrosive system of campaign financing, gerrymandering of House districts, endless filibusters, holds on executive appointees in the Senate, dwindling social interaction between senators of opposing parties and a caucus system that promotes party unity at the expense of bipartisan consensus.

Many good people serve in Congress. They are patriotic, hard-working and devoted to the public good as they see it, but the institutional and cultural impediments to change frustrate the intentions of these well-meaning people as rarely before. It was not always thus.

So, the going gets tough, and these people just leave. Snowe said she wants to bolster the political center…by not being in the most prestigious legislative chamber to represent their supposed interests. Where is she by the way? For Bayh, yes—he didn’t have the best relationship with Obama, and he was more to the right on fiscal matters than Democrats, but two words apply to all of these people: I quit. I have never understood these ‘mic drop’ moments from the center. Okay—you’re leaving. So what? I don’t like how the party is going, then stay and change it. Fight for what you think is that principled conservative position. I may not agree with you always, but at least you stayed and fought for your ideals. Instead, it’s Trump sucks, I don’t like the atmosphere, and so I’m going to leave. That’s what everyone else in the party sees. Or maybe he truly couldn’t win, so he decided to make his exit by taking broadsides against the Trump administration.

Now that Flake is making his trip down desolation row, will this screw us in Arizona? As Sean Trende at Real Clear Politics wrote yesterday, it’s not an apocalyptic scenario at all. It remains the Democrats’ best pick-up opportunity, but while the state is becoming more bluish, for now—it’s still relatively red. He added that Flake’s exit increases the chances of a more establishment Republican doing better in a primary and then taking on Rep. Kyrsten Sinema, the presumptive Democratic candidate, in the general. Trende added that while Sinema has a moderate voting record, a plus in Arizona, she did describe herself as a “Prada socialist,” while in the state legislature. FiveThirtyEight made similar overtures, reiterating that it’s not a slam-dunk for Democrats now that Flake is leaving—and that his departure could be a good move for the GOP in the state:

Other, more establishment-friendly Republicans may jump into the race now that Flake is out. If one of these non-Ward candidates wins the primary, it probably means that Republicans caught a break with Flake retiring. He was very unpopular with Republicans, after all. And a new Republican candidate may be able to hold the Trump base (which Flake was struggling to do) without alienating voters in the center (as Ward may).

Other potential Republican candidates whose names had been buzzed about — Robert Graham and Jeff DeWit — are on good terms with Trump and are more conventional politicians than Ward. DeWit is the state treasurer, and Graham ran the Arizona Republican Party and got favorable reviews for his efforts to unite the emergent tea party forces with more establishment Republicans. Neither man is a polarizing figure in the state the way Ward is, and as Graham told FiveThirtyEight in September, GOP donors in Arizona have been clamoring for either of them to enter the race and unite establishment Republicans and far-right activists behind a single candidate. Dustin Stockton, Ward’s former campaign manager, told FiveThirtyEight that Rep. Martha McSally is also being talked about as a potential entrant to the race.

So, in all, we might have dodged a bullet. And yes, Flake’s base in the state was shaky on the verge of collapse. But I thought Trump could never win. I think a lot of people thought his candidacy could never be successful, but he fought and won. Moreover, it could have been interesting if Flake had just cooled off on the anti-Trump antics for a period of time to see how his approvals would have turned out. He has voted with the Trump White House the vast majority of the time. In a moment of clarity, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) issued this statement to his Senate colleagues attacking Trump: shut up and do your jobs. Maybe there was still time to right the ship, maybe it was impossible—I don’t know. In fact, you’ll never know if you don’t make the effort. Regardless, it’s farewell, Flake.

Apple a Day

CNN is airing a bizarre new advertisement with the motto “Facts First,” which insists that the network calls an apple an apple, even if critics of its “news” reporting argue it’s a banana. You see, CNN is interested in objective truth, not opinions. This would be like McDonald’s advertising with an apple and saying the company is all about health food.

Our “news” networks don’t deal with facts first. They sell us narratives, and the favorite is the wild speculation about what might happen next to President Trump. For months, they have speculated about how meetings with powerful Russians would be the end of Trump. From Jan. 20 to Oct. 20, the Media Research Center reports, the ABC, CBS and NBC evening-news shows alone gave that story just over 1,000 minutes.

But Obamacare? Budget and taxes? Immigration? A possible nuclear war with North Korea? All are second bananas. It’s Trump-Russia, Russia-Trump day in and day out.

The Russia narrative they prefer is this: Donald Trump won the presidency due to the help of an autocratic foreign power. But in the last week, a series of investigative reports by The Hill have brought something altogether new to the discussion: facts. And the facts are implicating former President Obama’s administration, specifically Hillary Clinton, in some astonishingly unethical, if not illegal, behavior with the Russians. The publication reported:

–Russian nuclear industry officials were engaged in bribery and extortion before the Obama administration approved the sale of Uranium One to Russia, a company that controls 20 percent of America’s uranium supply. They routed millions of dollars to the U.S. designed to benefit The Clinton Foundation during Hillary Clinton’s tenure as secretary of state and helped provide a favorable uranium decision to Moscow.

–In preparation for collecting a $500,000 speech payment in Moscow in 2010, former President Bill Clinton sought State Department clearance to meet with a key official of the Russian nuclear energy firm Rosatom, which still needed the Obama team’s approval for on the uranium deal. Instead, Clinton met with Russian President Vladimir Putin at the autocrat’s private homestead.

–Obama’s Justice Department prevented an American businessman who worked undercover for years as an FBI confidential witness from telling Congress about transactions and conversations he witnessed regarding the Russian nuclear industry’s efforts to win the favor of Team Obama and the Clintons.

–The FBI identified a Russian spy ring’s attempt in 2009 and 2010 to infiltrate Hillary Clinton’s inner circle through a donor friend in order to spy on the State Department. Agents arrested and deported the female spy before anything could happen.

Countless other publications assert that nine investors in Uranium One jointly donated a cool $145 million to the Clinton Foundation.

This reads like a fascinating spy novel, but ABC and NBC have offered nothing. Let that sink in. CBS aired one question (and one answer) on “Face the Nation” that lasted 69 seconds. CNN, which has spent hour after hour obsessing over Russian collusion with Trump, can hardly be bothered with this narrative.

That’s “Facts First” — media style.

Naturally, the usual dishonest Clinton defense emerged: This was “old news.” When author Peter Schweitzer wrote about this issue in 2015 (without the new developments), he was virtually ignored. And if he was interviewed, hostile treatment is an understatement. Here’s how NBC’s Savannah Guthrie dealt with “facts” back then. She asked Schweitzer: “Before we get into some of the details, let’s put it bluntly: Are you hoping that this book and the issues you raise in it torpedo her candidacy?” He said no, but she shot back: “a lot of your critics say, ‘Look, you are a conservative and that this is a right-wing hit job.’ Are you really claiming to be neutral here?”

No one is neutral in the pro-Clinton press corps. Facts never come first.


Halloween Advice

It’s important for white children to understand at a very young age that they are a cancer on the Earth and everything they do is racist. There is probably no better time to drive this into their bigoted heads than Halloween, a holiday rife with problematic potential. On that note, several articles have recently been written explaining why your daughter is essentially committing genocide if she dresses like Moana for trick or treating this year.

In case you haven’t seen the film because you’re racist, a quick recap: “Moana” tells the inspiring story of a spunky little Polynesian girl who saves her island and the entire world by publishing a series of feminist pamphlets decrying gendered wage disparity in the workforce. At least that’s how I interpreted it, viewing it through the lens of an extremely woke individual.

Obviously, dressing as Moana for Halloween is a form of cultural appropriation because Moana isn’t white. She also isn’t anything, really, because she’s a fictional character. But let’s not get bogged down by details. In fact, an article at RaceConscious.org explains that the appropriation is all the more appropriative in this case because Moana, a film featuring a magical singing demigod and a sentient island that turns into a giant demonic beast and then back into an island again [spoiler], is “based on real history.”

The author goes on to argue that it could even be racist to dress up like Elsa because Elsa is white. It seems very confusing, especially to white people, because white people are all profoundly stupid (except for me) compared to more advanced races. The Offensive Costume Matrix has gotten so complex that a college magazine had to print an entire flowchart explaining how to correctly select Halloween costumes without persecuting 4/5 of the globe.

I’ve decided to add my voice to this discussion by providing a handy list of nine simple ways to avoid being racist on Halloween. It goes without saying that these rules, like all rules, are intended for white cisgendered heterosexuals only. Everyone else can do literally whatever they want. Indeed, the article cited above closes by touting a black version of Elsa. Is it racist for a black person to dress up like a Norwegian character? No. Norwegian culture is white so it doesn’t count. I don’t even think Norwegia is a real place, to be honest. Just another lie made up by the white man.

Anyway, here we go:

1. Avoid costumes based on characters outside your race.

This has been covered but it bears repeating. It is absolutely demeaning and insensitive to pretend to be something you’re not. Unless you’re a man pretending to be a woman, in which case a parade should be thrown in your honor. Now, you might retort that the entire freaking point of Halloween is to pretend to be something you’re not, but that argument only reveals your white privilege.

Look, it’s simple: people of color are not here for your amusement. It is not acceptable to make a mockery of an entire race of people, even if your intention is to pay them homage. It’s hard for you to understand the pain caused by cultural caricatures because you’re white and nobody ever makes a caricature of white people. Incidentally, I had a great discussion about this very point last St. Patty’s Day while I guzzled Irish beer amid a crowd of drunken hooligans dressed like Leprechauns and wearing shamrock glasses.

2. Avoid costumes based on characters of the same race.

What kind of message are you sending when you dress as a white person for Halloween? Are minority cultures not worthy of your attention? Would you be embarrassed to be seen in a costume associated with a race you clearly find inferior? Do you think the only good fictional characters are white? A white child dressed as a white character is advocating segregation. She might as well just dress up as Jim Crow. The one thing more bigoted than mocking a person of color by dressing like them is excluding them by not dressing like them. You should be ashamed.

3. Avoid costumes made from material that originates from historically oppressed regions.

Costumes made from cotton are definitely out, for obvious reasons. Costumes featuring anything gold or sparkly must be ruled out because they may remind Indigenous People of the European explorers who came here to rape their land and steal their gold. Actually, all fabrics must be ruled out because East Asia has had a prosperous textile trade for many centuries. Oh, and don’t even think about wearing a jacket if it’s a little cold on Halloween. That would be extremely offensive to Eskimos, who are basically not white and I assume invented jackets.

4. Avoid costumes made from material that does not originate from historically oppressed regions.

What are you trying to prove by dressing your kid in that plastic Batman costume? Plastic was invented by a white man, which is a point of pride for white supremacists everywhere. Are you a white supremacist? Is your kid? When you wear plastic, you otherize and exclude marginalized people who did not have the opportunity to invent plastic. Try to be a little sensitive for a change, you worthless, drooling, knuckle dragging, Nazi caveman.

5. Avoid costumes that marginalized people would prefer you not wear.

This isn’t hard. If a person from a marginalized group is offended by your costume for any reason whatsoever, you must immediately tear it off and run through the street naked, beating your chest and screaming, “Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.” The safest approach is to gather together a focus group of your 500 closest minority friends and have them vote on the appropriateness of your costume. This is the process I follow before I get dressed every day. It only takes about 8 to 10 hours, usually. A small price to pay in the name of combating white supremacy.

6. Avoid costumes you buy from the store.

Think about it: If you buy a costume from a local retailer, that’s one fewer costume that will be available for the next African-American, Latinx, Sudanese, or Cambodian who walks through the door. In a sense, by purchasing the costume, you are stealing it from a Cambodian.

Worst of all, store-bought costumes advertise your wealth and privilege to disadvantaged groups who’ve long dreamed of going on a shopping spree at Party City. I seriously can’t believe that you would even consider buying a costume for yourself or your child. You may as well just cut to the chase and kick a minority in the shins. Disgusting.

7. Avoid homemade costumes.

Is there any more obnoxious way to flaunt your privilege than to wear a costume you made yourself? Think about the impact this may have on those around you. When I was a child, I wanted to be a knight for Halloween so my mom covered a cereal box in tin foil and put it on my head. As I walked down the street, thousands of black and Hispanic children looked at my ritzy, homemade outfit and wept. I learned then how dangerous Halloween can be.

The other problem is that homemade clothing is customary in many African and Asian cultures. They’ve stitched their own garbs for millennia. It is highly presumptuous for a white person to partake in such an intimate and longstanding minority tradition. How could you even consider doing something that minorities do — or don’t do?

8. Avoid costumes.

All costumes are cultural appropriation by definition. If you’d studied your history, you’d know that non-white cultures have always worn costumes for their various wonderful festivals and so forth. The Wodaabe tribe in Niger joins together once a year for a ritual celebration where many of the participants wear elaborate face paint and feathery attire. Before you go out this Halloween, think of how your costume will impact any Wodaabe people you may come across. Perhaps it’s best to forfeit costumes entirely.

9. Avoid avoiding costumes.

Only a racist would forfeit costumes entirely. To forgo costumes on Halloween communicates two things to marginalized populations: A) You don’t want to offend them because you’re afraid of them, which perpetuates the myth of the dangerous minority. B) You don’t want to partake in this fun holiday with minorities because they aren’t equal to you. Your decision to not wear a costume can be extremely dehumanizing to non-white people. Almost as dehumanizing as your decision to wear a costume.

These are the rules. They will be strictly enforced. Any white child who comes knocking at my door will have to follow the above protocols, and pass a short cultural sensitivity quiz, in order to receive a treat. If they fail, well, they’ll just have to hope the guy next door is handing out gluten-free pita chips. Mine are reserved for non-racists only.

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