If anyone needs good solid conservative advice, it’s liberals, hipsters and social justice warriors. And I am here for them!
Dear Kurt: I am a 48 year-old progressive, unionized fifth grade teacher who lives alone with her three beloved and diverse kitties, Fluffums, Ticklebunny and Hillary. Lately, I think Ticklebunny, whose coat is a creamy white, has been microaggressing Fluffums, whose coat is a rich ebony. I think Ticklebunny may be racist. Also, every night when I come home with a single serving Trader Joe’s entrée and a bottle of Charles Shaw chardonnay, Hillary is sitting on my computer keyboard and the browser history has been erased. What should I do? Signed, Cat Lives Matter
Dear Spinster: Like most women in Hillary Clinton’s core voter demographic, you are fated to live, and then die alone in your squalid condo, and after death to be consumed by the animals who pretend to love you. But you can change that. Reject every twisted belief you have been misled into embracing and then date a former Marine. Also, Ticklebunny is super racist. He’s the Robert Byrd of tabbies. You can Google that.
Dear Kurt: I saw that in the new Star Trek movie, Sulu is going to be portrayed as gay. Well sure, that’s a start, but I don’t know if I can enjoy a movie where all the other characters identify as cis because it marginalizes my personal struggle as a gender fluid, Klingon-identifying otherkin. What should I do? Signed, “Mr” Spock
Dear Geek: The real problem with Star Trek is the goofy socialism embraced by the whiny space bureaucrat characters. Everyone in these movies is a government flunky working for the “Federation”; is there anyone in the universe with a real job? And the most fantastic element is how they are not only efficient and effective but are also attractive. Look, I can believe in warp drives and Romulans and going back in time to make out with a young, hot Joan Collins, but competent good-looking government workers? I can only suspend so much disbelief.
Dear Kurt: I am super excited about Hillary pioneering for women everywhere by breaking the glass ceiling, but I am having a lot of trouble accepting the sexism of those who hate crime at Hillary by holding her to the same standards of accountability and behavior that they would hold a man, and by demanding that she point to some arbitrary list of so-called “accomplishments” and “achievements” instead of appreciating the awareness she has made people aware of. And when I share my feelings about this with male-identifying persons with whom I would consider entering into an intimate relationship with after they obtain my notarized consent, they seem to lose interest. What should I do? Signed, Men Are Bad And They Also Ignore Me.
Dear Human Saltpeter: Look, being a shrill Hillary-loving harridan is never going to get you a husband. But hey, I think you should double down on your commitment to constantly nagging penis wielders by constantly reciting your list of petty grievances. Now, I don’t think it’s going to help you find an intimate life partner, but I do think it’s going to help society by ensuring that you never, ever breed.
Dear Kurt: I was a total Bernie Bro. I mean, like, his message was totally inspirational! Bernie was totally going to give us all this free stuff, like free college and free apartments and free money, but now Hillary is totally going to be the nominee and she totally wants to give us slightly less free stuff. I’m totally bummed. What should I do? Signed, Felt the Bern
Dear Bernout: You know, you seem totally stressed out by the prospect of having to actually support yourself. It’s totally unfair that so many other people are reluctant to toil on your behalf and subsidize the creative and impactful initiatives you would totally spearhead if Bernie was giving you free stuff, like smoking killer bud or following Phish around while smoking killer bud. You totally need a break from your high-pressure lifestyle! I totally recommend Venezuela. It’s a land of socialist plenty just a totally short flight away. Your dad, the insurance executive, will totally pay for it if you tell him you need money to get your Prius fixed (Wink wink!). You’ll totally love Caracas – the shopping, the food, the legendary toilet paper! Heck, you totally may never come home!
Dear Kurt: I recently graduated from Mizzou with a degree in Marxist Dance and a minor in LGBTQ?x€&*Z©K Studies. I have a $150,000 student loan debt and the only job I could get is at the Common Grounds Coffee House in Cape Girardeau steaming milk and making sure no improv groups try and take the stage during the open mics. What should I do? Signed, Loan Rager
Dear Loser: You should endure the misery created by your bad life choices for as long as it takes to pay back the hard-working taxpayers who subsidized your folly. Let your suffering be a warning and a lesson to others. Or you can do a lot of push-ups, shave your stupid goatee, and join the Army. Either one. Now fetch my latte, dork.
Dear Kurt: I am a Millennial and I feel that…
Dear Whiner: Stop right there. I don’t want to hear it.